What does happiness really require of us?

Okay, let’s go back.

Four years ago, I nearly sabotaged my marriage, business, health, foundation, and community for the need to be free.

The need to be free.

I wanted so badly to escape the chains of reality - monogamy, a mortgage, kids, steady paycheques, car payments, set holidays, knowing every next move. The mere thought of giving up my free flowing, spontaneous lifestyle was enough to make me run straight into the arms of darkness.

I was, what I felt back then, in a prison of my own reality and since I didn't know where to find the ABORT MISSION button, I hit SELF DESTRUCT instead.

Of course, as the main character in my own story, I couldn't see the plot unfolding. I was too deep in it. Rather than recognizing my patterns of addiction, avoidance, and dishonesty I would create a justification for my actions. I would convince myself that the decisions I was making were for my best self, that my happiest self lived on the other side of rules, boundaries, and obligations.

In the name of independence, in the name of FREEDOM, I was losing myself. And quick.

Where did this freedom rebel come from?

Well, rewind to my childhood days. My mom was a stay-at-home mom who found nothing but pure joy in her children. There were three of us, and after a difficult start to our upbringing she finally had stable ground underfoot.

I can say truthfully that my mom was one of the happiest humans I have known, and everyone who knew her would say the same. Flamboyantly fun, goofy, life of the party, beautiful, radiant, and always making sure everyone was happy (perhaps her most deadly flaw).

But I saw something different. I saw a woman in chains. A woman who wanted more. A woman with so many skills, talents, and offerings that were kept locked up tight in a closet for only the insiders to see. And yet, as one of her closest people, even I only saw glimpses of the truth.

I saw a woman desperate to be known and loved for more than a mother and a wife; a woman with a soul just screaming to soar, and a voice too scared to echo her desire.

I knew a woman who was worth more than she valued herself for, a woman who sold herself short - one that she was undoubtedly worthy of creating.  

And as I grew into a woman of my own, I took this story on. Without knowing, these insecurities and stories about needing to be FREE in order to be truly happy became part of my subconscious belief system. So here I was, a mid-twenty-something, with the deep rooted belief that I couldn't have: a happy marriage, a mortgage, kids, car payments - STABILITY, LOVE & ROOTS - and be genuinely happy.

My story was that happiness was elevated only when we were free of rules, routines, and restrictions.

So quietly, my subconscious intention was to destruct my foundation in order to be free in search of happiness.

{ JOURNAL PROMPT: What story are you telling yourself about happiness? }

You can imagine how HARMFUL this is when you already have...a loving husband. A successful business. A growing bank account. Close friends. A house. A dog. A plan. A future.

So I crashed. I crashed hard, and I got a second chance. I got a chance to sit back and ask myself, "what do I really want?"

Do I want the stability of a forever love?
Do I want the security of a home?
Do I want the freedom of transportation?
Do I want the acceptance of a loving community?
Do I want to make a difference?
Do I want motherhood?
What do I want?

When I dove deep into the real answers - the desires of my heart - I realized I wanted nothing more than stability, love & roots. I wanted the things I feared. I wanted the things I detested. I wanted the things I had been taught were the enemy. So, I had a journey ahead. And you better believe I prepared myself for the trek of a lifetime as I set out to redesign my life and get up off the floor.

Rockbottom is a hard place to start, but often it's the only place we truly see ourselves. It's where we learn what needs to be done to love ourselves fully. It's where the work begins.

I knew I had to go back. Waaaay back. To the early days. I had to teach my subconscious that She could have it all by rewriting my story as a grown woman. I had to go back into the depths of my memory and hold that little girls hand and tell her, "you can be safe and liberated, you can be held and free".


What is something you believe you're not worthy of feeling? Not worthy of having? What is the deep rooted belief that has taught you you're not worthy? Go back in time and redirect that belief. Repeat this exercise to rewrite your neural pathway and create a new, balanced belief system. }

Finding myself at rock bottom was the most challenging time of my adult life.

Sitting in a parking lot screaming to the Universe to "get my life back" was the emotional equivalent to naturally birthing my two children - it was painful, ugly, and transformational. But I thank myself everyday that I went inwards and did the work, rather than walking away from everything I loved (even though that would have been the 'easier' choice).

Sometimes the thing that brings you the most joy is the thing that requires the most diligence, dedication and devotion.

Are you dedicated to your happiness? If you are questioning whether it's worth it, I promise you - it is.

With only love,